Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system,
“Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn’t my fault, blame it on the asphalt.”

On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had “hammered the plane a little hard on the runway.”

The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, “Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing.”

All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.

She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, “Do you mind if I ask a question?”

He said, “Why no, ma’am, go ahead.”

She then replied, “I didn’t hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?”

A plane takes off with two hours delay.
Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

“Why did we take off so late?”

To which the flight attendant replies:

“Well, the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane.”

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.
He stopped one of the runners and asked, “What’s happening?”

The runner replied breathlessly, “A lion has escaped from the zoo.”

“Oh my, which way is it heading?”

“Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”